Thinking of my girl today......

My Dearest Adley,

Today is my birthday and this time last year was totally different....of course, every year is different than the year before but this year, I am sad. You see, this time last year I was pregnant with you and had no idea of how much my world would be turned upside down.

I was closing down my daycare and headed back to school when we found out about you on August 31, 2011. I must admit, mommy was a lil...okay, very much overwhelmed. We weren't ever supposed to be able to get pregnant on our own yet here we were, being told you were on your way! After the initial shock along with a lot of tears, we settled into the idea of having you join our family. There were alot of smiles watching you grow in my belly, we were in the midst of figuring out bedroom situations until the horrible day of November 20 arrived. You died that day at 16 weeks gestation...I'm still mystified as to what happened as I had just felt you do your first flip that morning. Baby girl, to this day I am so very sorry I couldn't help you.

I know today should be a happy day being it's my birthday and believe me, I am happy...happy I have your daddy by my side each and every day and although your sister and brother drive me crazy most days, they are huge blessings but I am sad because you should be here with us celebrating my birthday. I am unsure as to why you were taken from me, from us...I can't believe anything good was/is supposed to come from it. I am right back to where I was this time last year----I have no daycare and I am once again, headed back to school but this year, this year there is no baby in my belly.  Some days I feel like I'm stuck in a rut but sadly, life goes on, pretty girl.  A day doesn't go by that mommy doesn't think of you, wonder what/who you would look like...had you made it to your due date of May 2, you would be 3 months old so I am pretty sure you would be just as bald as your brother was at 3 months!

I hope a day comes that I will understand why you were given to us only to be taken away....I hope too that soon I will be the person I was this time last year. I know your daddy certainly hopes for that and it's coming, slowly. A part of me died that day with you and I am struggling to understand what I am supposed to be doing but for now, just know I miss you, my sweet girl.


Lots of Love and snuggles,

Mommy