I had a conversation with a very dear friend of mine last night and she ended our conversation with this:
"Don't let anyone put some sort of timetable on your emotions. Ridiculous. Just take your time. And know that some days are going to be hard. But that's ok. You shouldn't have to force yourself to act happy if you aren't"
You see, I've been having days where I wake up sad. Just plain sad and trust me when I say that I don't wake up saying "I think I'll be sad today". You don't ((choose)) to be sad, it just comes over you in a way you have no control over. It's the sneakiest feeling being it creeps up on you and BOOM, hits you like a ton of bricks....out of nowhere. There are days I wake up in the best mood and before I know it, the sadness has taken over. The sadness I've been feeling lately isn't just my missing Adley, it is coming from the "not knowing" and I know most people won't understand it but this time last year I was in a place of contentment, a state of euphoria, and I knew what I wanted and where my life was headed. Now...now I am in limbo. People are telling me to move on, that's what Adley would want, that I'm choosing this place of sadness and all I want is for them to understand it's not that easy. I honestly believe my experience of losing Adley is incomprehensible being we didn't know we were going to lose her. Losing her so suddenly cannot be compared to losing someone who has been sick for months/years as you have had the time to prepare to let that person go...I know this as I've been through it with my husband and his mother. She died of MS....we ((knew)) she was sick and we had the time to prepare our emotions for the day she was called home to heaven. (my husband keeps reminding me of this, letting me know it's okay to be where I am emotionally) Not only am I mourning the loss of my daughter, I'm mourning the loss of knowing where I'm supposed to be at this point in my life...it hurts when you know then a sudden turn of events flips it upside down. I'm sick to my stomach knowing I have been there through so much with friends and in return I'm told my experience is "drama"....I read books about women losing babies and their friends are there rallying around them no matter what. I think I am beginning to know what someone once told me about "ghost" friends...they are there but not really.
As much as I would love for someone to just tell me what to do and how to do it.....I'll wait. I'm currently waiting to hear back about whether or not I've been re-accepted (yet again) to nursing school, I'm waiting for that sense of contentment to appear, I'm waiting for that state of euphoria to fill me up.....all the while hoping my friends will be patient and know that I cannot force myself to be happy when I'm not. It hasn't even been a year and yes, I tend to think about the days ahead that I know are going to most definitely affect my mood but that's how I am wired, it's who I am. I'm here for my husband and my kids....they understand I'm not always going to be in that "happy happy joy joy" place. Do they want the person back I once was? I'm sure they do but as my friend also told me...no one can put a date on it, no can tell me when I will be okay. It's a healing process and believe me....I WANT IT TO BE OVER! I'm trying but it's one step at a time....Gosh, how I want them to be ginormous steps but for now it's all I can do...baby steps.
Jay and I are still at the fork in the road as far as whether or not we should just let nature take it's course....I know Jay is ready to move on and be done with the pregnancy thing as the last one reminded him too much of the fertility treatments we used to do. In his mind he thinks we spent the first half of our marriage trying to get pregnant instead of the normal stuff of enjoying each other as a married couple but I know too, from chatting with a friend...a guy who was there when Jay and I met, that Jay would walk through fire for me, he will go wherever the road leads whether that be no more babies or several more babies. Someone told Jay the other night that he was "envious" of him, of us and when Jay asked him why, the guy replied "you and cherie have the best relationship, i wish i had that". Either way, I know I will be okay but it doesn't stop the ache of actually not knowing what we should do. Where's a "sign" when you need one?!?
Some days are just going to be hard........
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