The struggle remains....

May was a crazy month.....I suspected I was pregnant around the first week, did a hpt on the 7th and it was negative. My one and only nasty friend hadn't shown up since March 29th but for me, that was normal as my body is still trying to recoup from November. But when it still hadn't reared it's ugly head by the 14th, I figured I had better try another hpt. Sure enough, it was positive.

Jay and I, in no way, had been "trying"...gosh, we haven't "tried" since doing fertility treatments with Jayden. I cried...again, like with Adley, they weren't happy tears. This time they were tears of fear, tears of wondering if we were going to go through the same thing as we did in November, tears of thinking Jay wouldn't be happy. I, for some reason, feel like I have let my family down. I'm still not in school and had every intention of trying to get back in to start classes this coming July but after finding out for a second time we were expecting, I was nervous about the unknown.

I called Dr. Schweichler to make my appt to confirm all was well. Our appointment was made for May 16th. Jay and I went in thinking....actually, I'm not sure what he was thinking, I was so nervous I couldn't think. Dr. Schweichler met with us in the consult room, again smiling like last September. Only this time she knew she wouldn't be able to calm my fears of another cord accident happening but she again reiterated that if it were to happen there wouldn't be anything they could do. She told us we were welcome to come in at anytime if I felt like something was wrong, just to call and her nurse would do an ultrasound. We told her we thought I should be around 6 wks along, she checked her due date wheel and told us that it looked like I was 6 wks and 6 days with a due date of January 3rd. I was still nervous until she did the pelvic and told us that I felt like was right where I should be. At this point, some of my nervousness drifted away. We were sent over to have an ultrasound and I knew....I knew as soon as the screen popped up and there was no heartbeat that something was wrong. My heart sank....you really know something isn't right when the tech asks you if you've been sick and how far along you think you are. We were told the sac looked like it was just under 5 wks but that it could be normal being my cycle lasted for three wks on and off. It's a scary feeling to go home wondering...I didn't sleep well at all. In fact, I was crampy but was told that cramping was normal in the early stages of pregnancy. We were scheduled to go back for another ultrasound on the 30th. I started bleeding on the 22nd. Jay was on his way to meet his best friend in TN and I felt horrible to mess up his day but I called him to tell him what was going on, that the dr wanted me to be seen later that day....he turned around and came home to go with me. This time the sac looked like it had collapsed and to make matters worse, they saw something in my fallopian tube making them think it could be a possible ectopic pregnancy. So, we waited and wondered. I was angry, sad, and confused....I still am, I suppose. It's strange because during all of this my hcg levels were rising and we were told it was possible that being my cycle was so long that maybe there was a chance we just weren't as far along as we thought. In my heart, I knew.  I started to truly miscarry on the 27th and it went on for what felt like forever. I'm sad but I know too that when a pregnancy ends that early that more than likely there was something wrong with the baby. I guess I am more sad because I don't understand the whys. I am beginning to think I will never know why Adley was given to us then taken away when she was so perfect and I will never know why we got pregnant so soon after her death for it to be taken away as well.

I have been questioning alot of things lately. Things that make me shake my fist at God, make me hate Him...I can't help it, it's the way I feel right now. I thought last year was going to be a huge turning point for my family, we had so many expectations and we were so so happy. Now I feel like a failure and that I have disappointed my loved ones. I have definitely disappointed myself.

I went to my family dr today as I got sick from a rainy day on our much needed vacation to Myrtle Beach last week and she actually took the time to ask me "how are you, i'm not talking about your being sick, i'm asking how are you emotionally".  I lost it.  I told her how I've been confused and conflicted about what to do, where to go from this last pregnancy. I'm torn as to whether or not Jay and I should use a contraceptive...we have never needed to before, that I'm not used to getting pregnant without help, it's happened twice now, are we meant to have another baby...I cried about the fact that I will be 39 this yr and do I really want a baby at this age when there are so many factors involved due to my advanced maternal age, and I want to get back to nursing school. It was literally a cry-fest, that's for sure. She got teary eyed and told me that she knew it was a personal decision but that I also needed to think about MY health, about MY well being, especially because I am approaching that 40 mark. So, here I am still wondering.....am I being selfish if I decide to focus on me, focus on losing weight and getting into shape..I'm 15lbs heavier now than I was at this time last yr and I know without a doubt that I'm not nearly as happy as I was this time last year. I'm not sure I want to continue putting my body through hell, hoping that if it were to happen again all would be okay. I have a heavy heart, a broken heart that isn't even half way mended from losing Adley...I feel guilty for wanting to move on, for kind of wanting to prevent another pregnancy. A part of me wants another baby....I'm not sure why. I'm at a fork in the road and I have no clue as to which path to take.


Note:
There are some people who wonder why I blog, think it's a waste of time, that there are others worse off than I am and to that I say until you have experienced what I have, don't judge me for my feelings..they are my feelings, my thoughts and if I weren't blogging, then I 'd be journaling. If what I have gone through or what I am going through helps only one person out there somewhere then I have done my good deed for the day/month/year. Sometimes it's a matter of just being able to vent, get things out that would otherwise drive you insane.