Is There Really a Calm After the Storm?

I knew it was coming...May 2nd, that is. I just didn't know the emotions that would take over the day before. I felt as though once the 2nd arrived, it would all be over, that everyone would forget my baby girl. In a way, I felt like that had already happened..that to some she was just another person who died. I know it shouldn't matter what others think or remember but it was part of the emotions that were running full speed in my mind. The other part of the emotions was me not being ready for the nine months to be finished, yet I have been excited to move forward with losing the weight I gained those four months I carried my girl. I guess a part of me feels guilty for feeling that way...but then I still have moments of feeling bad for smiling too. I don't know. I do know that when I went to take a bath the night before the 2nd, I had this feeling of wanting to be with Adley, of just wanting to leave everything behind and just be done...afterall, this world is so cruel anyway. I know too that I want to be here for Avry Claire and Jayden, to watch them grow into the beautiful people they are meant to be. Why does grief have to be so hard? Why can't a person just grieve and move on? I never knew grief could consume a person this way, take away the light and leave you grasping in the darkness.

Maybe it's grief or maybe I'm simply a loon but I woke up during the night Tuesday night only to experience something I've never had happen to me before. Please keep in mind that I cannot see a thing without my glasses but what I woke up to this night, the night before my due date was as clear as could be. Call me crazy if you want...when I told Jay what happened, I asked him if he thought I was crazy and of course he replied "you're asking me this after 15 yrs, why would i think you are crazy" but when I told him, he didn't have much to say. I woke up to an image of a pink balloon (a clown, not sure why a clown) hovering in the corner of our bedroom. It floated to the ceiling fan over our bed then over me and went to the window (on my side of bed) and disappeared. I still can't figure out what it was all about other than maybe it was Adley letting me know she was okay. The thing is, I never felt a sense of peace...wouldn't I feel that if it was something to do with her? I found it strange that it happened the night before the 2nd. Maybe it will hit me later as to what the image was all about.

Yesterday, my nerves were shot and it took everything I had to put a smile on my face when needed. Jay kept me busy and I pushed through the day. We ended up doing something to honor Adley, something a dear friend of mine from high school recommended as she had been through the same thing...it's ((always)) nice to hear from others who truly know what you are feeling. We bought balloons...one for AC, Jayden, Jay, myself and Adley. We drove to the hospital where I delivered her, went to the top of the parking gargage and let them go. Only when it came time for me to let go, I couldn't. I began to cry telling Jay I couldn't let her go, that I felt like I was letting her go for good. I knew I needed to do it but I held on a little bit longer then kissed Adley's balloon and let them go. We watched them float into the clouds until we couldn't see them anymore. I guess we like to think they floated up to Adley's hands and now she truly knows how much her mommy, daddy, sister and brother love her. She knows she will never be forgotten, at least by us. My sister sent me a message asking how it went, if it was closure for us......to which I answered---I wanted it to be closure but I didn't feel that sense of peace I'm yearning for. My sister kindly responded---you will know that peace when it comes, even if it isn't for awhile, you will know.  All I can say to that is......I want that peace soon but then again, I'm really not sure I do.

My Dearest Adley,

I am sad you are not here with me, with your daddy, sister and brother. You were given to us only to be taken away too soon. I'm not going to lie, your daddy and I were in shock when we found out about you on August 31, 2011. We were overwhelmed, to say the least but the bigger you grew in my belly, the more excited we became. Your sister and brother were just as excited and couldn't wait to meet you.

You died on a Sunday....November 20, 2011. The umbilical cord got wrapped around your tiny little neck, I'm so sorry I couldn't help you, baby girl. I felt you do a flip flop that morning and I was estatic but now that I think about it, it must have been the time the cord got tangled around you. I'm grateful for that last movement I felt from you though and it's a feeling I will never forget.

Sweet baby girl, please know you are loved so very much. Your big sister doesn't talk about you much (she tends to keep things to herself, especially when it comes to sadness) but I know she misses you bunches. Your big brother talks about you all the time...he's almost 6 yrs old and still doesn't quite understand what happened and where you are but he seems to have a connection with you like I've never seen. I was looking forward to watching you play with your sister and brother, watching them teach you new things, seeing you play on the playscape in the back yard....most of all, I was anxious to see what you would look like.

I can't help but be angry, Adley, because you were a miracle taken from me but I am happy too that although you were with me for such a short time, I was chosen to be your mommy. You were wonderfully made, a product of an amazing love. I hope you can feel that love, sweet girl, because that, my sweet Adley Rose, will never die.

I loved you from the moment we found out about you, I loved you the moment you entered this world sleeping and I love you more now than I ever have.

As your brother would say....

Kisses and Hugs!

Mommy