Time Flies Over Us, but Leaves its Shadow Behind...

I haven't blogged in awhile..not sure why. The time has flown by and I suppose I have just been taking it all in, one day at a time. These past nine months have been the most exciting yet most depressing time of my life...it wasn't supposed to happen, the pregnancy nor the death. I posted a status on FB not long ago stating that people say not to cry because it's over but smile because it happened....the tears have flowed ((alot)) since November and I am slowly beginning to smile again. It still doesn't feel right to smile nor do I even feel like myself, the way I felt before the pregnancy. Am I a different person, I don't know. I know that I don't feel the happiness I had this time last year and I'm desperately craving that wonderful, spectacular, glowing happiness I once had. Just when I think I'm a bit closer to the light, something sneaks up and pulls me back into the darkness.

Although I most likely would have had my scheduled c-section last week, my due date will be here soon...too soon. May 2, 2012 was the date Dr. Schweichler gave us with a big smile on her face. Now I'm trying to come up with something to do on that day, that day which was supposed to be marked as a happy day. Trust me, I want it to be a happy day but I know too that it will be a day of sadness. As I sit here in bed typing I can't stop thinking about the girl two houses up from us who had her baby last week, the same week I was supposed to see my baby's beautiful face, the same week I would've heard my baby's first cry, the same week my kiddos would've had a new sister to love on, teach, run in the backyard barefoot with. I'm happy for others who are either pregnant or just had their little one but I certainly can't help but feel the jealousy rising from within. I would never wish what happened to Jay and I to happen to anyone else. It's a disgusting feeling of inadequacy and embarrassment knowing I couldn't help my baby and it's a dark feeling of hate for God that no one should ever feel.  It's been slow but I am coming around to realizing God has something in store for me, for my family. Am I still angry, you bet but only a little bit. That's a good thing, right?

So, I am sad, sad that my baby was taken so soon, sad that it's Sunday and in three days my due date will be here and I will be without my Adley Rose......... but I found this poem and it reminded me that she was a precious gift and even though she isn't here in my arms, she is and always will be with her daddy and I. She was conceived from an amazing love of two people who would have adored her so.

I’ll Be There

Daddy, please don’t look so sad, mommy please don’t cry.
Because I’m in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.
Please, try not to question God, don’t think He is unkind.
Don’t think He sent me to you, and then He changed his mind.

You see I am a special child, and I’m needed up above.
I’m the special gift you gave to Him, I’m a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, just watch the sky at night.
Find the brightest gleaming star, that’s my halo shining light.

You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That’s me in all the summer showers, dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze, from a gentle wind that blows,
that’s me, I'll be there, planting kisses on your nose.
When you see a child that’s playing and your heart feels a tug,
that’s me, I'll be there giving your heart a hug.
So daddy, please don’t look so sad, and mommy please don’t cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus, and He sings me lullabies.