Where's the Rainbow?

I have heard people say "in order to get the rainbow, you gotta go through the rain"....well, I AM SICK OF THE FRICKING RAIN! I am to the point of wishing I had never gotten pregnant because all I've had since November is heartache, sadness, anxiety and hatred. I'm done, I want to be happy again but then there is a small part of me that just wants to stay in this place of darkness, I'm not sure why. I don't like the person I've become and believe me, I'm trying hard to get the Cherie back that I once loved. Losing Adley has forever changed me, I personally think for the worse. I mean, how can losing a child make you a better person? What's wrong with me??? I have days here and there where I feel completely fine and then I snap on a whim. I am so so sad and feel alone. I feel bad for my husband as he has gotten the bitchy part of me lately...yet he loves me anyway--how, how can he love someone who feels/acts the way I do?  He is so good to me, maybe a part of me is angry with him, I don't know. I just know that I feel like I am the only one who remembers that awful day...the dumbest things remind me. I HATE IT!! I am to the point of just saying FUCK IT, FUCK IT ALL and call it quits. I WANT MY FUCKING HAPPINESS BACK DAMN IT!! I want to know why I was given this baby when I was finally content on having the two, going back to school and was, well just so happy...I was given a baby and I was mad but when I finally came to realize she was a blessing and I was getting used to the idea of having a baby at my age it was ripped from me to only make me hate everything around me. A blessing....I thought she was then but now, how in the world was she a blessing when I didn't even get to see her take her first breath? She died in my belly, how can that possibly be a blessing??  I feel guilt, loneliness, sadness, hate, and embarrassment.....I have people telling me I am a stong woman, if that's the case then why do I feel so helpless and weak?