As we packed to go stay at the hotel I cried, I cried over ((everything)). I burst into tears when I saw the pants I wore to the hospital, when I opened my closet...all of my maternity clothes hanging there threw me into a fit, the tears just wouldn't stop. Everywhere I turned there was something reminding me of my pregnancy. Most of our stay at the hotel is a blur to me now. We got a phone call (i think Tuesday night or Wednesday morning) from our good friends, Jim and Bindy, asking us what we were going to do for Thanksgiving. Being our original plans were out the window, we decided to head to TN for the holiday. As much as we would have liked staying in Louisville, Jay and I knew the kiddos didn't need to spend Thanksgiving in the hotel. We weren't going to be good company but Jim and Bindy welcomed us with open arms. Whenever we get together with the Lewis fam, no matter how long it has been, our kiddos always seem to pick up where they left off. Although I spent most of my time resting/crying, it was the right decision.
We went to TN on Wednesday and came back home on Friday. Actually, we went back to the hotel. I was happy...happy in the fact that the kiddos had their own room. When I wasn't sobbing in the shower, I was crying in bed. I remember a night when Jayden came into mine and Jay's room, climbed into bed with me and began combing my hair. He then began to ask me questions, who could blame him? He was curious...."mommy, where is you baby", "why is adley going to be ashes", "when will you baby come back" and then he told me "when you have another baby, you can call her Adley Rose too and I can call her Pooh Bear Rose". Pooh Bear is what he told us he was going to name the baby way before we chose the name Adley Rose. There was a night after we finally got back into our house that I was in bed and as Jayden combed my hair (he loves to do that), he patted my back and said "you baby will be just fine, mommy, because God will take great care of her". Melted my heart.
We decided to have the memorial service on December 6. The days leading up to this were awful with the most horrible being the day before. It was a Monday and I had to take Avry Claire to the pediatrician as she was coughing, her neck/throat hurt, and she hadn't been breathing well. I had just taken her to see the dr a few days before we lost Adley. I don't know why but I decided to take a different route to get to the dr's office, a route I had taken before with no problem. I got off the Watterson and absolutely nothing looked familiar to me. I was lost. I began to cry. AC tried telling me the names of the roads and how she thought we were on the right road but in my mind I was thinking "you're 10, you don't drive. how would you know where we are". I completely lost it. I began to beat the steering wheel, ranting and raving. I didn't have a cell phone so I finally stopped at a Walgreens to ask if I could use the phone. During all of this, AC was telling me "it's okay mommy, it's not your fault". I jumped out of the truck with AC behind me yelling "i got your purse". My mind was spinning. The guy behind the photo counter let me use the phone to call Jay (yes, the guy looked at me like i was a nut case for asking to use the phone, i mean, who does anymore....ME!) Jay didn't answer. I began to cry again explaining to the gentleman that we were lost. I told him the name of the pediatrician and he of course, had no clue. I stood still trying to pull myself together enough to tell this man what the office was near. It finally dawned on me that it was near a fire station and I was able to tell him the name of the road. He then walked us outside and said "the fire station is right down the road on the right". We were only a block away! I couldn't believe it. Absolutely nothing looked familiar to me. We were late for AC's appointment and naturally I was a blubbering fool when I walked in. The nurse called us back and I immediately apologized for being late, told her we lost the baby (which i had just told dr. chris we were pregnant a few weeks before) and explained how we got "lost". I heard her pull Dr. Chris aside before he entered the room we were in. He came in with a heavy sigh. I began bawling telling him about our ordeal and how I couldn't find our way there. He gave me a tissue and began telling me about he and his wife, how they lost their baby girl, Harper, around 22 weeks. This man was/is amazing! He cried with me, he hugged me and told me that what I had just experienced was normal. His wife wrecked their car after they lost Harper. It's crazy how grief can take over. I honestly believe I got "lost" that day so Dr. Chris was able to share that story with me as I am now a follower of his wife's blog which has helped me tremendously. She has since read mine and sends me kind words of encouragement. Is this the way I want to meet people? Absolutely not but people are put in our lives at times when we least expect it and when we need them the most. I will always be grateful to Dr. Chris for that day, for taking the time to let me blubber, for blubbering with me and simply for telling me "there's hope, even when you don't think there is". Although it was one of the scariest times in my life, it turned out to be one of the best times in my life.
Adley's memorial service was beautiful. I had told Jay earlier in the day that I was worried no one would show up but he reminded me that we weren't doing this for other people, that we were doing this for ourselves. To give ourselves some sort of closure. We played the video Jay made. We asked our friends, Chrystal and Kelly, to read for us.
Chrystal read "Be Still My Soul"
Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.
Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.
Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
Kelly read "You're a Special Little Spirit"
"You're a Special Little Spirit," the all great Master said,
As He gently caressed the hair upon the Little Spirit's Head.
"You need to go to Earth to spend some time, you know,
A place I send most Spirits to be tested, to learn, to grow."
The Little Spirit, in sadness, slowly bowed her head,
And from her eye a tear did steal and down her cheek it shed.
"Don't you fret now little one, I won't let you stay too long,
I'll bring you back to help me here, You'll hardly know you've been gone."
"You're my choice, Little Spirit, you're the apple of my eye."
And He wiped the tear and gently kissed His Little Spirit good-bye.
"I'm back," the Little Spirit whispered, as she climbed onto her Master's knee,
And the Master said, "I told you, you would not be long away from me."
And then, the Lord, He noticed still another tear welled in her eye.
"Why are you so sad, Little Spirit, whatever should make you cry?"
"I'm glad I'm back," the Spirit said, "but Master you must surely know,
When your angel came to get me, I didn't want to go."
"I know you said you needed me and that I'd be gone the shortest while,
But Lord, couldn't I have had a little longer earthly trial?"
The Master let the Little Spirit slip down from His knee,
He firmly took the little hand and said,"Come walk with me."
The Little Spirit and her Lord walked slowly hand in hand,
As the Master explained His special part in the great and marvelous plan.
"Now Lord, I don't mean to argue I understand you need me home.
But I left in such a hurry, I left everyone hurting and so alone."
"I didn't let my earthly parents know how much I loved them so.
I was much too small to tell them, Lord, how will they ever know?
They feel they've been cheated, and in a way so do I.
Not getting to share any more than we did, how can I ever tell them why?"
"Little Spirit, I know your heart is heavy with the message you need to share.
But you need not worry anymore, I'll watch over your loved ones there.
I'll send them loving comfort as a strong and helping hand.
I'll give peace to their aching hearts, so they will understand."
The Little Spirit looked up at her Master and said
"Thank you for explaining it to me.
And could you please tell them I'm safe and happy
and that someday they'll be here with me."
"Yes," said the Lord with a smile and a nod, "I'll tell them all that I can."
Then the others came to see the Little Spirit, as the Lord let go of her hand.
He said, "I'll tell them you're pure, as pure as Heaven's Gold,
That I needed the warmth of your perfect soul to keep Heaven from getting cold."
It wasn't long before Christmas was upon us. 2011 was not a good year when it came to the holidays. Quite frankly, they sucked...the big one! We traveled to MO to have Christmas with Jay's family two weeks after we lost Adley. I really didn't want to go but Jay thought it would be good to be around family. It was great for our kids but I really, really wish we would have stayed home. It was too much. On top of what we had just gone through, Jay's sister was pregnant. That is a whole other story in which I won't go into but just know that it took everything I had to be around her. That sounds awful but it's the truth. Call it being mean, call it jealousy or whatever you like....I was angry. I know some would think Jay was horrible in being adamant that we be with his family after what happened but I knew too that he ((needed)) to be around his family even if no one spoke a word to each other. I admit it, I had too much to drink. I was sad, mad, hurt, and well, down right pissed. All of those emotions tend to creep up on me whenever I see someone who is pregnant, or I pass by the baby section at stores, or see mother's being mean to their children and ((especially)) when I hear mother's to be chatting about how their kid has this father and the kid they are about to have has a different father. It's heart wrenching, to say the least. It wasn't the best visit we've had but at least Jay was able to see his family.
The third weekend in December came and it was time to once again, travel back to MO to have Christmas with my family. I didn't want to go there either but I knew if we didn't, my parents...especially my mom, would be upset. After arriving at my parent's house late Friday night, I was glad we went as my mom was happy to see Adley even if she was in an urn. Yes, we took her with us. I wasn't ready to leave her at home while we were gone for so many days. My mom and dad had been very excited about being grandparents again. They asked a lot of questions and wanted to know everything about the delivery. They really wanted to come see us when I was in the hospital but my dad wasn't well enough to travel which I completely understood. I didn't go to visit my family with the "woest me" attitude. My parents and everyone there knew the situation so I wasn't expected to be in the greatest spirits being it had only been four weeks since losing Adley. I had moments of laughter as well as sadness. My sister made the most beautiful ornament for Adley. The picture doesn't do it justice. It has glitter all over making it sparkle....an angel for my angel-girl.
Jay was getting our stuff packed up Saturday evening when he asked me if I wanted to show my family the video of Adley. My parents had already seen it but my sister hadn't and being my aunt and uncle were there, they all watched it. There were many tears. Turns out I wasn't the only one who thought Adley was going to look like her daddy...my mom and my aunt thought the same thing.
We had every intention of going to a christmas tree farm to pick out the perfect Miller Family Christmas Tree, as Jay calls it. We didn't put up a real tree, in fact, we hardly put out any decorations at all. About a week before Christmas I had Jay drag in his mom's old flocked tree. This was the first Christmas that I actually let the kiddos decorate the tree all by themselves. Normally I would be telling them where to put ornaments..ya know "no, not there" or "we need one in that spot" but this Christmas I didn't care. None of us were in the Christmas Spirit, not even the kids.
Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went. It was New Year's eve. Jay's brother, Gary, came to town as we had made plans for an evening out. Kelly went with us. I had been looking forward to this night out for quite awhile but when it finally arrived, I had mixed feelings. It didn't help any that Avry-Claire wasn't cooperating. She didn't want to stay the night at Kelly's mom's and threw a tantrum which ended up making my mood worse. We were supposed to be going out to welcome a new year, a new beginning but I guess I felt like I was leaving Adley behind...she was supposed to be our "new" beginning.
2012 started with me trying to take my hospital bracelet off on several occasions. Each time I tried, I couldn't do it. It was a reminder. I felt like if I took it off that I would forget my baby girl. I remember texting Jay one day telling him I tried to take it off....I fell beside the bed crying telling Adley how much I loved her. I felt guilty for wanting to take it off. Jay met me for lunch later that day after I texted him. He told me it was okay, that I would do it eventually, not to beat myself up over it. I ended up taking it off on January 20, two months after Adley died. The only reason I took it off then was that it was beginning to look dirty and I knew it was something I wanted to keep in her memory box. I took a hot bath (my norm when i want to be alone) and it was then I decided to slip it off my wrist. As I cried it came to me that I could make a new bracelet, a bracelet out of her hospital blanket.....so I yelled for Jay and as he walked in the bathroom I handed him the bracelet.
I know there are people who don't understand what I am going through and expect me to just "get over it" but this isn't something you "get over"...it will never be over.
As He gently caressed the hair upon the Little Spirit's Head.
"You need to go to Earth to spend some time, you know,
A place I send most Spirits to be tested, to learn, to grow."
The Little Spirit, in sadness, slowly bowed her head,
And from her eye a tear did steal and down her cheek it shed.
"Don't you fret now little one, I won't let you stay too long,
I'll bring you back to help me here, You'll hardly know you've been gone."
"You're my choice, Little Spirit, you're the apple of my eye."
And He wiped the tear and gently kissed His Little Spirit good-bye.
"I'm back," the Little Spirit whispered, as she climbed onto her Master's knee,
And the Master said, "I told you, you would not be long away from me."
And then, the Lord, He noticed still another tear welled in her eye.
"Why are you so sad, Little Spirit, whatever should make you cry?"
"I'm glad I'm back," the Spirit said, "but Master you must surely know,
When your angel came to get me, I didn't want to go."
"I know you said you needed me and that I'd be gone the shortest while,
But Lord, couldn't I have had a little longer earthly trial?"
The Master let the Little Spirit slip down from His knee,
He firmly took the little hand and said,"Come walk with me."
The Little Spirit and her Lord walked slowly hand in hand,
As the Master explained His special part in the great and marvelous plan.
"Now Lord, I don't mean to argue I understand you need me home.
But I left in such a hurry, I left everyone hurting and so alone."
"I didn't let my earthly parents know how much I loved them so.
I was much too small to tell them, Lord, how will they ever know?
They feel they've been cheated, and in a way so do I.
Not getting to share any more than we did, how can I ever tell them why?"
"Little Spirit, I know your heart is heavy with the message you need to share.
But you need not worry anymore, I'll watch over your loved ones there.
I'll send them loving comfort as a strong and helping hand.
I'll give peace to their aching hearts, so they will understand."
The Little Spirit looked up at her Master and said
"Thank you for explaining it to me.
And could you please tell them I'm safe and happy
and that someday they'll be here with me."
"Yes," said the Lord with a smile and a nod, "I'll tell them all that I can."
Then the others came to see the Little Spirit, as the Lord let go of her hand.
He said, "I'll tell them you're pure, as pure as Heaven's Gold,
That I needed the warmth of your perfect soul to keep Heaven from getting cold."
It wasn't long before Christmas was upon us. 2011 was not a good year when it came to the holidays. Quite frankly, they sucked...the big one! We traveled to MO to have Christmas with Jay's family two weeks after we lost Adley. I really didn't want to go but Jay thought it would be good to be around family. It was great for our kids but I really, really wish we would have stayed home. It was too much. On top of what we had just gone through, Jay's sister was pregnant. That is a whole other story in which I won't go into but just know that it took everything I had to be around her. That sounds awful but it's the truth. Call it being mean, call it jealousy or whatever you like....I was angry. I know some would think Jay was horrible in being adamant that we be with his family after what happened but I knew too that he ((needed)) to be around his family even if no one spoke a word to each other. I admit it, I had too much to drink. I was sad, mad, hurt, and well, down right pissed. All of those emotions tend to creep up on me whenever I see someone who is pregnant, or I pass by the baby section at stores, or see mother's being mean to their children and ((especially)) when I hear mother's to be chatting about how their kid has this father and the kid they are about to have has a different father. It's heart wrenching, to say the least. It wasn't the best visit we've had but at least Jay was able to see his family.
The third weekend in December came and it was time to once again, travel back to MO to have Christmas with my family. I didn't want to go there either but I knew if we didn't, my parents...especially my mom, would be upset. After arriving at my parent's house late Friday night, I was glad we went as my mom was happy to see Adley even if she was in an urn. Yes, we took her with us. I wasn't ready to leave her at home while we were gone for so many days. My mom and dad had been very excited about being grandparents again. They asked a lot of questions and wanted to know everything about the delivery. They really wanted to come see us when I was in the hospital but my dad wasn't well enough to travel which I completely understood. I didn't go to visit my family with the "woest me" attitude. My parents and everyone there knew the situation so I wasn't expected to be in the greatest spirits being it had only been four weeks since losing Adley. I had moments of laughter as well as sadness. My sister made the most beautiful ornament for Adley. The picture doesn't do it justice. It has glitter all over making it sparkle....an angel for my angel-girl.
Jay was getting our stuff packed up Saturday evening when he asked me if I wanted to show my family the video of Adley. My parents had already seen it but my sister hadn't and being my aunt and uncle were there, they all watched it. There were many tears. Turns out I wasn't the only one who thought Adley was going to look like her daddy...my mom and my aunt thought the same thing.
We had every intention of going to a christmas tree farm to pick out the perfect Miller Family Christmas Tree, as Jay calls it. We didn't put up a real tree, in fact, we hardly put out any decorations at all. About a week before Christmas I had Jay drag in his mom's old flocked tree. This was the first Christmas that I actually let the kiddos decorate the tree all by themselves. Normally I would be telling them where to put ornaments..ya know "no, not there" or "we need one in that spot" but this Christmas I didn't care. None of us were in the Christmas Spirit, not even the kids.
Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went. It was New Year's eve. Jay's brother, Gary, came to town as we had made plans for an evening out. Kelly went with us. I had been looking forward to this night out for quite awhile but when it finally arrived, I had mixed feelings. It didn't help any that Avry-Claire wasn't cooperating. She didn't want to stay the night at Kelly's mom's and threw a tantrum which ended up making my mood worse. We were supposed to be going out to welcome a new year, a new beginning but I guess I felt like I was leaving Adley behind...she was supposed to be our "new" beginning.
2012 started with me trying to take my hospital bracelet off on several occasions. Each time I tried, I couldn't do it. It was a reminder. I felt like if I took it off that I would forget my baby girl. I remember texting Jay one day telling him I tried to take it off....I fell beside the bed crying telling Adley how much I loved her. I felt guilty for wanting to take it off. Jay met me for lunch later that day after I texted him. He told me it was okay, that I would do it eventually, not to beat myself up over it. I ended up taking it off on January 20, two months after Adley died. The only reason I took it off then was that it was beginning to look dirty and I knew it was something I wanted to keep in her memory box. I took a hot bath (my norm when i want to be alone) and it was then I decided to slip it off my wrist. As I cried it came to me that I could make a new bracelet, a bracelet out of her hospital blanket.....so I yelled for Jay and as he walked in the bathroom I handed him the bracelet.
I know there are people who don't understand what I am going through and expect me to just "get over it" but this isn't something you "get over"...it will never be over.
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