Adley Rose Miller entered this world sleeping on November 20, 2011 at 11:05p.m. She arrived and as I was screaming for Jay, all I remember the nurse saying was "it's tight". A nurse went running out of my room to get Jay as everything was happening so fast. As Jay came back into the room, I heard the nurse say "two times". I knew what they meant....the umbilical cord was tightly wrapped around Adley's little neck two times. As bad as this sounds, I was relieved. Relieved to know there was something that had caused me to lose my baby, that I hadn't done anything wrong.
I don't remember what happened between the time of the nurses placing Adley in the plastic tub and the time of them bringing her back to me...I just remember that when they brought her to me, she was so very delicate. She had all of her fingers and toes, her legs were long, her belly was round and I could tell right away she was going to look like her daddy, just from seeing her eyes...she had Jay's eyes. I kissed her and began taking pictures. I wanted every minute to count as I knew it wouldn't be long before we would have to hand her over to the funeral director.
Although it was late, Jay and I had Kelly go back to her mom's to pick up Avry Claire. We weren't really sure if we wanted her to see Adley but we knew that she had been anxiously waiting for this baby girl and would most likely hate us if we didn't let her see her sister. It ended up being the right decision as AC walked in, sat down and reached for Adley. She cried and just sat staring at the sister she wanted so badly. Being that Avry Claire had been worried about the cord situation early in my pregnancy, we opted to not tell her about the cord accident as we knew it would only upset her more so when she asked what happened, we told her there was no reason, no one knew. My nurse came in to take Adley to the nursery and she was kind enough to let Jay and AC tag along. Avry Claire was able to get some photos of Adley being weighed and measured...she was a mere 8" long and weighed 5oz. It was not your typical birth but I could tell AC was a proud big sister, nonetheless.
The time came for Kelly to take AC home and as much as she wanted to stay, we knew she needed to go home with Kelly, to try to keep some sort of "normalcy". Once Kelly and AC left, it was just me, Jay, Adley and a horrific silence. Not only was I physically drained, I was emotionally drained but yet the tears wouldn't stop. My nurse placed Adley in a bassinet and told me to get some rest. We turned the lights down low, Jay slept on the couch and I drifted off into darkness. I don't know how long I had been asleep before I woke up to the soft light glowing down on my baby girl...all I know is that I woke up sobbing, I couldn't stop the tears. I had an overwhelming sense of embarrassment, loneliness, and failure. My baby died in my womb and I wasn't able to do anything to help her. I was grateful that my nurse walked in not long after I woke up as she was able to give me some Valium to help me rest without my mind racing.
I had a few visitors the next morning, one of them being my ob, Dr. Schweichler who had just gotten to her office when her nurse told her they had a patient who lost a baby. Dr. Schweichler said when her nurse told her my name, her heart sank. She immediately came to see me. I cried, she cried and she hugged me and held me. She asked about the delivery and we told her how fast it happened but what she wasn't happy about was the fact that I had yet to deliver the placenta. I was going on ten hours since delivering Adley and still no placenta. Normally the placenta comes out within an hour of delivering a baby. (or at least that's what we were told) Dr.Schweichler left furious. Within minutes of her walking out of my room Dr. Hill showed up (she was on call). She took the placenta out with a pair of forceps and her hands. I've never experienced such pain but she and Dr. Schweichler wanted to spare me of having to endure a d&c. Needless to say, I was very tired after that. We had a few more visitors then it was time for Jay to leave...I can't even remember why he needed to leave. The nurse came in to give me some pain meds and told me to get some sleep because around 3p.m. she wanted to help me shower and move me to the postpartum floor. I woke up to a wheelchair sitting at the foot of my bed and an aide who never spoke to me. It was 4pm. and my nurse said since I was sleeping so well, she opted to just let me sleep and since she did that I wasn't going to get a shower...they were moving me right then. I began to cry....I'm not sure why but I knew I simply wasn't prepared to leave my room. I wasn't ready to move on, I guess you could say. I sat down in the wheelchair and watched in horror as the nurse placed a blanket over Adley's bassinet. As I was pushed through the hallways I hung my head listening to the wheels of the bassinet behind me. I felt like all eyes were on us. It was like I could hear people wondering why there was a blanket draped over my baby's bassinet. I don't know if what I was feeling was embarrassment or shame. I was numb.
My experience on the labor/delivery floor as far as my nurses were concerned, was phenomenal. I had three nurses and all three were kind, considerate, and loving. They acknowledged my daughter with "hi sweet girl" and "you're so beautiful". If they bumped into her bassinet, they immediately told her "i'm sorry sweetie". My experience on the postpartum floor was a whole other story...not one of the aides acknowledged my daughter, nor did they speak to me unless I spoke to them. One of the nurses told us she had never seen a cord accident like ours in all her 30 years of nursing, that usually it happens at birth. Nice. Just what I wanted to hear. I sat in my new room in a fog, waiting for Jay to come back.
Jay brought Avry Claire and Jayden to see me after they got out of school. Actually, I don't think AC even went to school that day being she was with us so late the night before. It didn't surprise me that AC went straight for Adley. She sat down with her and asked Jayden if he wanted to see his sister. He was prepared to look at her until AC warned him she didn't look like a normal baby, that she looked like an alien. She was right, she was being honest but it scared Jayden a little bit so he chose not to look at Adley. I still regret the fact that I didn't get any pictures of Jayden with his little sister. I visited with my kiddos for a little while then Jay took them to my friend, Chrystal, as I was staying another night. After they left I took Adley from her bassinet, she was so very tiny. I wanted so badly to put her up on my shoulder and pat her bottom, but being she was to small and fragile, I just held her in my arms and caressed her little hand. I kept her in bed with me until Jay came back and by then it was late so we gently layed Adley down in the bassinet, Jay made his bed on the couch and we turned out the lights.
It was 5 or 6 a.m when I woke up crying. I didn't wanna wake Jay as I knew he was exhausted himself but he heard me and before I knew it, he was in my bed with me. I didn't need Valium this time as Jay wiped the tears from my cheeks, wrapped his arms around me and told me everything would be okay, that he would take care of me. I fell asleep in no time.
This nightmare began on a Sunday and it was now Tuesday....it all happened so fast but yet time was moving at a very slow pace...if that makes sense.
It just so happens that Tuesdays were Dr. Schweicher's on call days so she came to see us first thing that morning. She sat at the foot of my bed and waited. Waited for me to talk. I began to cry, again telling her I couldn't believe what had happened being I was just in her office a few days before. I began sobbing as I told her what bothered me the most was that my little girl had been strangled and I wasn't able to help her, I asked her if she thought Adley suffered. At this point Dr. Schweichler was in tears and as she gently rubbed my leg she explained how the umbilical cord works, that Adley was not breathing on her own yet and it was the blood flow that had been cut off, that Adley had not been strangled. She informed us that even had we made it to the hospital before Adley died that no one could have helped her, to not blame myself, that it was indeed an accident. She asked us about our plans for Adley and Jay let her know that we didn't want to leave our baby alone, that the nurse had already told us about the hospital policy...being the patient is discharged and the funeral director comes to pick up the baby after the patient leaves. Their policy sucked! There was absolutely no way in hell I was going to leave my baby behind, wondering if she got picked up or not. Sounds silly but ((I)) was going to carry my baby out of that hospital and ((I)) was going to make sure she got picked up. Dr. Schweichler understood and told us she would chat with the nurses and do what she could to abide by our decision. Jay made the phone call to the funeral home we had chosen for Adley to let the director know we wouldn't be leaving before they arrived. The lady Jay spoke to was very friendly and took great care in meeting our needs. Now we needed to prepare ourselves to say goodbye......
I showered, dressed and climbed back into bed. Jay layed Adley in my lap and all I could do was stare at her. I think I did that until the funeral director showed up at noon. She brought a pink/brown fuzzy blanket for Adley. While Jay and I were getting Adley wrapped up in her new blanket the director was making plans with the nurses. A security guard was asked to come to our room and all transport of newborns was stopped. Jay gently kissed Adley for the last time. He handed her to me as I sat down in the wheelchair and we began our journey to the funeral directors car. As I was pushed into the hallway I noticed nurses closing other patients doors, people were asked to stop in their tracks to let us pass. I'm not sure how we were taken out of the hospital. We somehow ended up on the back side where a black car was waiting for us. I kissed my baby girl goodbye, whispered "i love you" and handed her over to the funeral director. She hugged me and said "i will take care of your little girl". I was even more numb than I was before.
Although we knew what caused our baby's death, it didn't make it any easier. Instead of our baby crying when she was born, she was silent. Instead of our baby being whisked away to the nursery, she was put in a plastic tub. Instead of hearing "congratulations", we heard "i'm so sorry". Instead of leaving the hospital with our baby in tow, we left empty handed. We weren't going to go home to celebrate a birth, we were going home to plan a memorial service. ((ALL)) of these thoughts ran through my mind over and over and over.
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