We stuck to our plan to not tell our kids but I did however call my mom as I sure didn't want her to find out through someone else...I'd never hear the end of that one, I'm sure. So, I sat down and dialed my parents phone number wondering how to tell them....I mean, really, is there a good way to tell them without blurting it out?? I was excited and that's just what happened....Me: Hi mom, whatcha doing? Mom: nothing, just sitting around. Me: well i'm calling to let you know you are going to be a grandma again....pause....Mom: WHAT? Me: you are going to be a grandma again. Mom: you're kidding, right? Me: no mom....pause....Mom: who? Me: who what? Mom: who's having a baby? Me: I AM, MOM! (see the pattern here, no one believed us) Mom: really? Me: yes, really! Mom: how far along are you? Me: 8 wks....pause pause....Mom: well, you know anything can happen, i don't wanna get too excited. So, at this point she knew and I needed to get off the phone as I don't do well with mom telling me something could happen. I ended the conversation with "I know mom, but I don't need to hear that right now. We didn't expect this nor were we planning this but it's here and we are going to do the best we can. If something should happen, then it happens, yes I will be devestated if it's later in the pregnancy but it's out of my hands". I could tell my mom was thrilled but deep down concerned....as was I. Whew! Got that out of the way, now to tell the kids.
Our intention was to wait until we were twelve wks along but I told Jay I felt like we were lying and hiding things so we agreed it was time as I was about 9-10 wks along and already starting to show plus I was eating like a horse which wasn't normal for me. It was a week night and we had just finished having supper, Jay had finished up with the dishes and the kiddos were sitting at the kitchen table with me so I kept eyeing Jay to get started and he would eye me back like "you start"....I was sick from the pregnancy but I was super sick to my stomach knowing we were going to rock their world. Why was I so nervous, you wonder? Well, let's just say AC saw something she shouldn't have and was mad to the core. When I approached her about it she promptly told me 'I ((DON'T)) WANT NO MORE BROTHERS"....so see, you would be nervous too! The kids were in good moods, we had to get this out of the way so Jay said " kids, mommy and daddy have something we want to tell you", they got excited in naming things off .......you're giving us some money, um no....we are going on a vacation, um, no.......disney world, um, that would be a vacation, no.....they were both excited and I felt like I was going to puke! Jay blurted out "we are giving you guys a baby"! Whoa Nelly! It went GREAT! I say that because I was most worred about AC but AC was smiling from ear to ear, Jayden said "i don't want no baby". Avry Claire began to cry and we asked her what was wrong...she kept circling her hands/fingers around her neck, we couldn't figure out what she was trying to tell us so finally between the sobs she said "what if its wrapped around it's neck"....we knew what she was talking about and quickly told her that wasn't for her to worry about, that everything would be okay. Once we got her calmed down, we then showed them the us pics...they were thrilled, well, AC was. AC proceeded to tell me "I thought you were just gaining a bunch of weight"....ahhhh, gotta love kids!
A few days after this, I got Jayden up and ready for school (Jay's brother, Gary, was in town..sleeping in the front living room...he didn't know at this point but I was sure he heard what jayden said) anyway, Jayden came walking into the kitchen, hugged me and said "mommy, I can't wait for you baby to get here". In a quiet voice I replied "Thanks for the hug buddy and I'm glad you changed your mind", hoping Gary hadn't heard our news that way as Jay wanted to be the one to tell him. At this point I knew Jay ((had)) to tell Gary and his other brother, Greg, as I just knew AC would be at school blabbing her news. I didn't want any of the kiddos to tell their parents, some of whom I am friends with on Facebook. I didn't want family to find out that way. Jay told Gary as he pulled out our new family canvas pic telling him we needed to get it put on the wall soon because it wouldn't be long that we would need a new one....Jay then explained our situation. Gary chuckled....I honestly think he thought we were crazy but what could we do now? Another little Miller was on his/her way! Greg didn't believe Jay either....see the pattern here? He convinced him though and all was good.
So, we went along with our daily lives, I started school in October of 2011 and I withdrew in October 2011. My brain was in a pregnancy fog and I couldn't focus worth a darn. It just wasn't working out for our family. The house was a pit, I literally had to get Jay up so he could get the kids up and mind you, our mornings of sleepingt til 7/7:30 were over. We had to be up by 6 at the latest so I could be at school by 8. I was exhausted when I got home, cried because I couldn't think straight and had no time to study. Jay and I bickered about it and finally came to the conclusion that I would withdraw and return to school in January 2012 for the part time eve classes. Yes, that would be a better fit for our little family but to this day I am still not in school. And I am sad.
You see, nothing ((ever)) goes the way you plan it, I've said that before but it's the truth! We never planned our third miracle but for some reason God thought we needed that miracle. That miracle made us happy, it was bringing AC and I together, Jayden was excited, Jay and I had decided the baby would sleep in our room then eventually we would make the dining room (used to be playroom for daycare) into a nurserey if we didn't find a bigger house in time, Jay was taking my belly pics and AC sometimes helped as Jay doesn't always take good pics, we picked out names for a girl and a boy....we were happy, we ((WANTED)) this miracle God gave us. Again, we were making plans....
Like I've mentioned before, I am slowly learning that life isn't about the plans we have made but about the plans He has made for us.
November 20,2011
It was a Sunday morning. Jay got up, got ready for work like he does every Sunday and left. I wasn't far behind him as I was excited to head to church...it had been awhile since we had attended. I took a shower with Jayden at my feet playing in the water. Got out and got dressed, blow dried my hair, and had a cup of coffee while Jayden payed in the tub. AC was actually up and dressed, she was on the couch brushing her hair. I finished my coffee and poured another cup. Jayden decided it was time to be done in the tub so I helped him out, dried him off and got him dressed. I then needed to go to the bathroom which I did quite often but this time was different....when I wiped, there was blood, not alot but for me to bleed, it was enough to concern me. I immediately told the kids to finish getting their socks and shoes on and then began to sob. They knew something was wrong. I did tell AC I was bleeding and that's not a good sign. I actually couldn't think...I for some reason, called my sil in MO. They were in church so I left a sobbing message on her voice mail telling her I was bleeding, please pray and leaving her with "I am so scared". I called Jay to have him help me, tell me what to do...I was so upset by this time. He then called our friend, Kelly, who told him to bring the kids to her house (found out later that she thought Jay was actually with me or she would have just told us to leave kids home and she would come get them). I was a complete mess. After I finally got the kids in the car, I drove to my friends Chrystal's house who lives only a couple blocks away from us. I figured I could just leave the kids with her and she could tote them to church, keep it normal for them but she didn't answer her door. I proceeded to drive to Kelly's mom's where Wendi, (Kelly's mom) decided she would drive me to the hospital as she thought I shouldn't be driving myself....um can you say "Freakin' Captain Safety"?!? Omgosh, it took us forever to get there but then if I had driven myself, I most likely would have wrecked. Anyway, I was beating myself up, what did I do wrong...I had just felt the baby do a flip flop earlier that morning, what's wrong?? On the the way to the hospital, I knew, I knew in my heart the baby was gone as I felt it "drop". Jay was at the hospital waiting and we were immediately taken to triage. I began crying all over again when they asked what was going on...I wanted to scream "you freaking idiots, i'm losing my baby, that's what's going on"!! SLOW, SLOW, SLOW! I went to the bathroom, peed in the stupid little cup, never bled again, went back to a room, changed clothes, waited and waited, and waited! WHERE ARE YOU IDIOTS? I had totally forgotten that I had called the dr on call line...we had just left the house, not waiting on anyone to call us back. So, it was going slow due to the on call dr delivering a baby. JUST GREAT! That's what I wanted to hear while I'm laying here wanting to know if my baby is okay. The nurses finally brought the us machine in and the nurse begins checking for a heartbeat...nothing, I knew. They told me "it's okay, sometimes the baby is too little and they hide"...well, my baby has never hidden before so don't think I'm dumb. They scrambled out of the room and finally found Dr Horlander, who then comes in to find the heartbeat, she couldn't find it either, and I'm crying. The dr then sends a nurse out to get an us tech who comes in to try to find the heartbeat....as Dr. Horlander shook her head I started sobbing, sobbing like I've never sobbed before. Screaming and hitting myself in the head, yelling "i just felt it move this morning, i just felt it move this morning"! I felt like a complete loser laying there with a dead baby inside my belly. The dr left Jay and I alone to cry, hug and just be together. I'm so sad as I type this but I feel it's something I need to do so I can heal. I'ts been two months and my heart still aches. Dr. Horlander came back into the room and gave us our options...I could either do a D&E (dialate and evacuation...basically an abortion) or I could deliver the baby on my own. I, of course, wanted no part of the D&E so arrangements were made to get me into a room and begin the delivery process. I was in complete shock...our baby, my baby was dead. No one knew why as the dr said the baby looked healthy on the us monitor, spine was great, had all of it's toes/fingers, head size was where it was supposed to be. Complete and utter Shock...I was going to deliver my baby at 16 wks.
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